Cloudy's blog

This is gonna be a short one as I’m writing from my phone, and I’ve been avoiding writing this post for over a year because I honestly feel like I let people down.

Last year it was decided to provide full custody of my daughter to my mother in law. I have visitation rights at the discretion of her, and try and remain in contact with her - but this is proving difficult and I don’t speak to her much, partially due to miscommunication and misunderstandings - and I lost my disability benefits and had a breakdown as a result of that last year, leading to less hours and money at work, so can no longer afford to visit the USA.

But, she’s in the best place for her now and is happy and looked after, and that is the important thing.

I’m sorry if I let anyone down and I thank everyone for their support and donations which I received.

Not sure I’ll post anything more on here, but thank you for reading.

So, long time no speak. Didn’t want to update until I had something to say.

This post is sort of both good news and bad news.

Let me start with the toughest news to write first.

The bad news

The last time that I went to the USA, my lawyer told me that it would be “difficult” to get custody. I also get pretty much no mentions in the reviews, or court documents I get set. I get the feeling that because I’m not American, they really don’t care.

Now the good news.

My Mother-In-Law has applied for custody. She is the woman who has been looking after my daughter for over a year - and she has done a fantastic job, and my daughter is thriving and most important of all, safe.

I told my lawyer that I have no objection to this. From what I understand, my wife has also said the same thing. So it looks at least for the near future, that my Mother-In-Law will have custody.

Obviously, I ideally want her with me. But that most likely isn’t going to happen, and I should probably face that.

The important thing is that my daughter is cared for, and I think my Mother-In-Law is in the best place to do that right now.

Sorry

I’m sorry if this isn’t the news you were expecting. I’d have loved to have been able to tell you that I’ll be looking after my little girl, and that all you people who donated (which, I can never express my gratitude enough for) would know that I got her in my arms, but I can’t. And I’m sorry about this… and sorry for letting you down. Thank you for your support over the last two years.

What? You’re giving up?

Not a chance. The life of a Father is never done, and I still hope one day to have my daughter living with me. But I need to face reality. I will, of course, keep fighting. I owe it to everyone who supported me - but most of all, my daughter, to continue. So I will, and I won’t let anything stop me.

That’s it for now. Signing off for now, with love.

Cloudy

So, my last post is probably completely different to what this one is going to be. The last post was about how I felt like I was never going to feel happiness properly again.

It turns out I was wrong.

Suddenly, without warning (a few weeks ago now), my depression lifted. Do I think it is gone? No. I reckon I’ll always suffer from the “black dog” throughout my life.

Do I still get depressed? Yes. But it isn’t the crippling lows it used to be… I wake up every morning in a great mood. I’m looking forward to the future, and what life will bring me.

The best way of describing it, is the title of this post. It is like I have been looking through dark fabric all the time, only seeing the worst in everything. But now that “veil” has been lifted, I can see clearly, and I can see the good in the world. Of course, life still isn’t perfect - but it doesn’t have to be. We need to live for today, and hope for tomorrow.

And that’s all I have to say right now!

So I’m blogging again. Not sure why other than to pass the time. What is happiness?

TL;DR - It really is too long, and you shouldn’t read. There’s no summary. And it really isn’t worth reading.

At this point I don’t really know. It is weird when you can’t seem to feel any positive emotion, and all there is is negativity. Throughout my day, I wear a mask to disguise the real darkness inside. I wish I didn’t have to wear a mask though.

Is it possible for a feeling to be completely destroyed? I don’t know. I hope not. But sometimes it feels like any chance of happiness is lost, and that there is no hope. Thankfully I’ve got a few friends which ground me in reality, not to mention my colleagues, and having to go to work. But what would happen if they weren’t there? What would happen to me? I know that some people don’t like talking to me any more, and honestly I don’t blame them.

If everyone was gone, however, would my mask come off, and I would show the world that I can’t feel happiness? I don’t know. I hope I don’t have to find out. It isn’t nice to know that there is something missing. Can you imagine me like this all the time? It would be a nightmare. I guess I still have some times of lucidity where I don’t make anyone who speaks to me feel like they want to stop talking to me.

Anyway, I’m ranting. I don’t even know the point of me writing this, or anything. Not much thought has gone into it, it is literally my thoughts going straight into my keyboard. My mind is a dark place lately.

What provides you with happiness? I have no idea what provides me with happiness right now. But I’d be interesting to hear yours.

You don’t have to reply, or tweet me back or whatever. I am not looking for attention, I just wanted to get my words out. I don’t mind if no-one reads it.

In no particular order, I am going to be saying things about my friends. I don’t think I appreciate them enough - so this is one attempt to rectify this.

Edit: If you want to skip all the personal thank you’s, and want the end where I speak to everyone - scroll down! If you want awesome people in your life, follow/speak to these people, though. They are amazing.

Lisa: Well, what I can say? You have been one of my closest friends for one of the longest times. Our friendship hasn’t been perfect - heck, I’ve not always treated you right. But I am here for you, and always will be. And I do really really appreciate you. You’ve saved me more times than I can count.

You are one of the few people who can lighten me up when I am down - and I know I am difficult to work with. I also don’t follow advice well - how many times have you given me advice and I haven’t listened? And how many times have you been right, and I should have listened? Way too many times - I need to start listening, basically :P

You are one of my best friends, and I really do thank you for everything… I just wish I was a better friend to you.

Runew0lf: Mate, I don’t know you anywhere near as much as I’d like. But you are one of the kindest, caring people I have ever met. You are a treasure to this world, and I hope that you see that. Your streaming career is really taking off, and I am beyond happy for you. You deserve it mate, and I am sorry for any trouble that I may have caused you in the past. You are an inspiration to me, and I hope I am half as cool as you when (if) I get to your age.

Mady: Well, you’re insane. But you know this ;) But honestly, although our friendship has been short so far, we just get each other, and know each other so well. I hope our friendship lasts a long time. I have never felt used by you, despite your insistence that you don’t want to use people, and feel like you do. But shush :P You are an amazing person, who deserves much more from her life than what you get. And I thank you for everything you have done for me.

Luke: You’re my boss, so I have to be nice ;)

I kid of course. You’re a great friend, and a nice person. As much as you try to pretend otherwise with your outward attitude. You always try to make people laugh, and that is an admirable quality - and you’ve been here for me when I have needed you the most. Thank you.

Paul: Again, someone who I would like to know better. You’re my boss too, but you’re my friend - and I appreciate everything you do to help me. I know I’m not perfect, and I am a lot of hard work - but I thank you for being here for me, and providing me with the opportunity to shine.

April: You are a great friend to me, despite the fact that I’m not always nice to you. You and Jason put up with a lot, but I want you to know that you mean a lot to me, and I am glad I have you as my friend. I am not perfect, and I seem to always be going through some kind of drama, but you have never wavered - not even when I lash out at you when you’re giving me “tough love”. Thank you.

Jason: You thought I was going to leave you out? Nah ;) 

You and April have helped me so much in my life - you took me in when I was at my worst, and you helped me with the case with my daughter. I am not always great at communicating my feelings, or just communicating in general - but I really do care about you as my friend and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel otherwise. Thank you. You have saved my life on more than one occasion.

Kayla: Yep, even you are included in this. We’ve not had the best relationship and friendship always - but you have been a constant friend for me, always willing to listen and to help me out. You have done so much for me in my life, and you continue to do so - you’re too stubborn to let me stop you either! Thank you.

Pahimar: I don’t know you as much as I’d like, but I will never forget all the ways you have helped me. I remember when I first had the situation with my daughter - you helped me a lot with that, and proof read things for me, and were generally awesome about things, and you were there for me. And that is a debt I can never repay. Thank you. You have helped me more than you know, and I wish you all the luck with PahiPrincess :) I hope to get to know you better at some point.

Morvelaira: Where would a list of thanking my friends be without you? I remember I first started hanging around in your streams, and then got invited to the teamspeak. You helped me spread my wings, and get confident in talking to people - and introduced me to a good many people. You have also been there for me whenever I needed you - and I am sorry if I haven’t always been accessible when you needed someone. You are an awesome friend, and again helped me loads during the situation with my daughter, and you continue to. Thank you. I appreciate everything you have done - and you are a really awesome person.

Jadedcat: I don’t know you as well as I’d like, but you are always great to talk to, you make people laugh constantly, and you have a wicket sense of humour. You have also helped me with my case with my daughter - and I really do thank you. In the early days, you helped me see that there might be light at the end of the tunnel - and that my daughter could turn out good regardless of what happened. Thank you.

Hanse00: You’re a twat.

Nah, I kid. Our friendship has had its issues - our personalities clash a lot. I think that’s because in some ways, we are similar. But I am proud to call you my friend, and I know that you are always there for people - and even for me, when I’m a twat to you. Which can be a lot. But I’m proud to call you my friend. Thank you.

Scott: I can’t believe I missed you out first time. What the hell did I do that for!?

Scott, I don’t know you well, but you are awesome and kind, and a great friend. You are always here for your friends, and are so generous. And that is a great thing. I look forward to getting to know you more - and I thank you for everything you’ve done for me.

Esmeralda/LucyRiver: You are awesome. Completely awesome. You have helped me a lot - and yes, our friendship has had issues, and I can be a twat, and I am a lot of hard work. But I thank you. And you will always hold a special place, regardless of how little or much we talk. You always know just have to cheer me up, and you are a lovely person - who cares so much about everyone. Thank you. For everything.

Sacheverell: When I was having trouble in the USA with my daughter, you offered me support. At that point I barely knew  you - but the fact that you would support someone who is almost a complete stranger states a lot about you. You are always happy to help people, and to be there for people - despite what issues you are going through. Thank you.

Dan200: What can I say? Without you, I wouldn’t be in the Minecraft community as much as I am. You, and your mod, opened me up to a new world within Minecraft - and with your blessing, I started contributing to ComputerCraft. All of this set into motion a series of events - you helped me pass the time while unemployed, and you’ve always been a pleasure to work with, and a good friend. Without you initially believing in me though, my life would be completely different right now, and I thank you. I wish you luck in your indie dev career - and redirection is awesome!

Robert D: You have been one of my closest friends for years - you have even stuck by me during mental breakdowns where I couldn’t bring myself to speak to you. And you invited me to your wedding parties and meals - which meant a lot to me. Your life is taking a new turn - and I thank you for still believing in me as a friend. You know more than anyone that I can be a twat - we’ve had a lot of time together as friends, and you’ve seen me at my best and at my worst. Yet for some unfathomable reason, you still stick by me. Thank you.

Patrick D: Initially you were the “annoying brother” of Rob. And me and him used to go to great lengths to get rid of you when we were playing video games - as kids do. But I am proud to see how you’ve grown, and how you are an awesome person. We don’t talk as much as I’d like, but it isn’t because I don’t think you’re awesome, because I really do. Thank you for everything mate, and thank you for being the “annoying brother” - you grew from that into something a lot more awesome than that.

My wife: Yes, even you are in here. Now at the current time we don’t get on, this is true. But I do thank you for your years of putting up with me. We had some happy times, and more recently bad times. We’ve had love, we’ve had hate. We’ve experienced the full range of emotions. But at the end of the day, between us we created a beautiful daughter. No matter who gets custody, I know that you care about our daughter. If you get custody, I know you will learn from your mistakes - you won’t hurt her again. Thank you for bringing up our super intelligent daughter.

Ash: Hi my WoW buddy! We got speaking because you reached out to me in one of my down spirals - and you have hung around my streams. But you have always been here for me, and I love that we have become great friends. I will return your pen friend letter - you surprised and made me smile with it. And you continue to be an awesome friend, and make me smile when I need it. You never have anything negative to say - you are a really great person. Thank you.

Adam H: Well, we don’t speak much since I moved away from Sheffield. But you have been one of the most loyal and great friends that I have ever had. Even when we used to come over to your house unexpectedly - me and Kevin. I will always remember the day I first met you in school, where you pulled my chair out for me - because you and Kevin had decided to make friends with me. Thank you for everything, I will always count you as my friend, no matter how long we spend without talking.

Kevin G: Well, our friendship is complex. We’ve had good times, we’ve had bad times. We’ve had lots of fights, but we’ve always come back to being friends. I know I can count on you to speak to when times are bad - and I hope we can make our friendship what it once was. But I remember my childhood - and you were one of my only friends as I’ve never been really popular. I’m still not! But you helped me a lot by being here as my friend. And thank you.

Shalimar: You’ve reached out to me more than I can count. Even when we didn’t know each other well, you’ve always sent messages of support. We don’t talk as much as we’d like - but it is ok. I know you’re a loyal friend. You have brought me out of some dark places, and I thank you.

Albion: When I first met you, I didn’t like you. I couldn’t stand you for whatever reason. Looking back at that, I really have no idea why. You have become an awesome friend to me over the last few months. Do we have our disagreements? Yes - but I know that you are here for me, and here for others. You are a gentle kind man at heart, and I hope everyone sees that.

Raybay: You have been here for me since I started streaming - and your friendship is one I value a lot. We don’t speak often due to being busy, but you helped me believe that I could be more than what I was, and that I could be a streamer, and make friends. And look at what spawned from this - and you were one of the first people who were there for me from streaming. You’re awesome, mate, and I know you’ll go far. Thank you for everything.

Firedingo: I don’t know you as well as I’d like (seems to be a common trend on this blog). You have always been kind to everyone, and I have never seen you been nasty. You really are an amazing person, and I hope one day you see in yourself what others see about you. You are going through some tough times, and I know how hard that can be. But thank you for everything you have done for me. I hope one day I can repay the favour.

All: Well, I am kind of frazzled after writing all that. I don’t know why I did it. But I don’t regret it. If I have missed you out, it isn’t because I don’t care about you, or that I don’t see you as a friend - it is just that my brain hasn’t thought of anything at this current time. Maybe I can do a followup.

I’d also like to apologise to all my friends - I know being friends with me isn’t easy. And every day I wake up, thinking I’m not good enough for you guys. I honestly don’t know why you stick by me, or why you care about me. But I am thankful every day for you, and don’t show it often enough. You are all amazing, and you are all people that I really really care about - regardless of how much I show it.

If I ever hurt you, I am sorry. I know a great proportion of my friends, I have hurt in one way or another. And I really am sorry. I am filled with guilt.

I know I’m not a fantastic person - I never will be. I am too selfish for that. And I wish I could change myself, but easier said than done. But thank you. Thank you all. Thank you for being you. Thank you for speaking to me. Thank you for being friends to others, thank you for making light in this world, where there is darkness.

THANK. YOU.

Yes, I know what people are thinking - I’m attention seeking again. This may be the case, this may not be. I don’t even know any more.

This post is going to be rambling, incoherent, and will probably get deleted at some point. I don’t know.

As most of you know, I suffer from depression. It seems to come and go in waves. Right now I am under a tidal wave of depression, and it feels like I can’t breathe, I can’t escape, I can’t get out of the deep water.

Lately, it appears my friends have been suffering. I don’t mean to make them suffer. And I really want to be fixed, I really do. But if I’m honest, there have been dark thoughts in my mind - thoughts that I shouldn’t be in this world. I rebel against friendship as I don’t feel like I deserve it. I don’t feel like I deserve any kindness, or any love. I feel like I deserve to be alone.

Now there is a rational side to me, and it fights back. But I do feel like I am suffocating. And it is so hard to rise above.

I am not looking for sympathy. My self loathing, self hating means that I don’t even feel like I deserve that. I don’t even know why I’m doing this blog. What’s the point? I don’t know. Perhaps I want to show people a window into my soul? I don’t know.

I’m sorry. To anyone I might have hurt. I don’t deserve you, or anyone. But I am thankful for the friends I have. But look after yourselves - don’t look after me. I am not worth it.

Again I seem like I’m attention seeking. Blah. Sorry.

Anyway. I don’t know where I’m going with this. This is the state of my mind, how my mind works right now. I can’t keep in a straight line, and I hate myself. So yeah. It is weird. But I’m used to being weird.

I’m trying to think where my depression stems from, what is most bothering me. But I don’t know - there is so much bothering me that I don’t know.

I mean most people know about the situation with my daughter. It isn’t going fantastic, the US barely contacts me, they seem to not care about me. I’m not a US citizen though, so that is to be expected. But some light is there, home study should be sent off later this month. But meh.

But I don’t think that is what is depressing me. I am filled with indescribable loneliness. And I don’t know why. Am I needy? Am I a bad person? I don’t understand why I feel this way.

Add to this my home life - I can’t cook well, I find it difficult just day to day living. Now some of this is my Aspergers, which is in itself hard to understand. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have it. I would love to be normal, love to be able to go out, have a good time. Love to be able to speak to any, love to be able to do anything without crippling anxiety. But that can’t happen, as much as I try. And I have tried all my life.

Support framework is a bit rubbish here. Not much can be done to help with this area. And it sucks.

Anyway, I don’t know where I’m going with this. There wasn’t an aim. I’m just typing away, not entirely sure what I’m doing.

I’m sorry. Sorry for everything I’ve ever done to people, ever done to my friends. I’m sorry to everyone who has had to put up with me, and I’m sorry to you, if you’re reading this far.

If you want my advice, your life will be better without me in it. So don’t worry about me, or anything. I am not worth it. If you’ve read this far, and I have no clue why you have, then thank you.

Blah. I love you all.

After seeing many discussions about depression on twitter, I have decided to put my feelings into words.

First some background. I was diagnosed with depression in May of 2013. I however believe that I have been suffering from it for a lot longer - just undiagnosed. It finally reached a point where I got really down and ended up self harming and was caught looking for tablets to try and overdose. That was a low point for me, and the time when I decided that I need help with the help of some of my friends (Lisa is one person who springs to mind, for those that know her).

So, how to put depression into words. Imagine that you are surrounded by people - yet feel completely alone. Imagine that no matter how many assurances you get from your friends that you’re a great person, that you feel like you are completely useless. Imagine that things that should make you happy, don’t. Imagine that suddenly, you feel like all hope has gone.

That is depression. It isn’t just “feeling down”. You can’t randomly decide to “cheer up”. It is like - and this is the only way I can think of describing it - all light has gone out of the world. Come to think of it, J.K. Rowling’s description of the effects of Dementors definitely describe some of it.

I am mainly speaking for myself here - but people with depression know that the behaviour is not “normal” - but it isn’t something that someone can just “stop”. There are days where they will lash out at the people who care the most. This is out of frustration and being overwhelmed, rather than malice. What often happens when I go into a depression spell is that my social skills just seem to completely break down. Everything gets on top of me; everything seems a lot more serious; everything people say negative just goes straight down into my core.

Now I know what many people may think - how can you get depression when you’re successful? When you have everything you need? The truth is, depression can hit anyone, at any time. You can have the perfect life, and still feel depressed - because you have to understand that it isn’t feeling down, it is an illness. You can’t just turn it off and realise what you have. It often causes feelings of conflict, since you know you have a lot to be thankful for, but you just can’t. You also then feel like you shouldn’t deserve what you are getting, because you don’t appreciate it. That element is summed up by “imposter syndrome” - because you literally do not think you should be in the position  you are in.

So, that is depression from my point of view. I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to be more coherent. Putting depression into words is difficult.

The aim of the post is to explain in words my understanding of depression, and to raise awareness. It is not something that is understood much (even by us with it), or something that is even easy to understand by someone who has never experienced it.

Here are more posts about depression by the wonderful Allie Brosch. Please read them:

Hyperbole and a Half: Adventures in depression

Hyperbole and a Half: Depression part two

Thank  you if you’ve read thus far and put up with my rambling.

First of all, let me say that there’s still no news on the Vanessa front - need to wait until Monday for that.

As some of you may have seen on twitter yesterday, I announced my resignation from modding. Some may think that it is a stupid thing to do, based on a silly misunderstanding of the Minecraft EULA, right? (to clarify - I don’t blame Marc for his tweets/posts - customer support is what he does - and he was answering to the best of his knowledge - although he should have perhaps just left it to the lawyers :) )

Well, that isn’t the only issue at hand. The main issue, and the reason I’m leaving, is the treatment of modders - myself included - by the community which we spend hours of our time to provide entertainment for. For having the gall to voice my opinion, I have been attacked on numerous occasions - despite my actions.

For example, all the mods I have ever released have been Open Source, under the extremely permissive MIT license. And ComputerCraft (which isn’t my mod, but Dan’s, I was just wingman) has a permissive license which says you are free to use it in any mod pack. Nor have I ever put any malicious code into my mod, or any other mod.

But apparently, people who do not agree with the guys who believe just because we put our work into the public domain, that we have no rights, are “shitheads”, “POS”, “shit coders” purely because of a difference of belief. And this is not the first time this has happened to me, or others. The amount of abuse we have to put up with purely because we speak out, is astounding.

Now, as anyone who reads this blog knows, I am going through an extremely stressful situation with my daughter. Things aren’t even great at the moment - if you check my last post, you will see why. I also have not had the urge to code for 6 months now - and was only just starting to get back into it. For that reason, and having too much crap in my life already, I have decided to throw in the towel, rather than face flak in the modding community. I don’t need this. In the past few days I have had a breakdown - and it made me realize that something has got to give.

Coupled with the fact that I believe respect towards the modding scene - from Mojang and the community alike - is at an all time low, that something, sadly, was modding.

Will I be back? Maybe. Anything could happen. Don’t get me wrong - for every bad apple community wise, I know there are hundreds of more who see my point of view, and who believe we are to be respected - the amount of tweets of support I have got since I announced I was out was staggering. However the bad apples are often the most public and at the forefront of what we see.

Should I have a thicker skin? Perhaps. But honestly, I need to focus on my daughter, and my life - I can’t afford to let something that is barely fun anymore, make me feel worse than I already do.

Thank you to everyone who has given me your support. I am not retiring from the community - by all means. I will continue streaming, and tweeting, and taking part in ISP - and I am still available to anyone who needs help. But I will no longer be producing mods for Minecraft for the foreseeable future.

Thank you to all my friends in the modding community, and to modding itself. Modding has done great things for me, no doubt. If it wasn’t for modding, I wouldn’t have been able to get to the USA to see my daughter. If it wasn’t for modding, I wouldn’t have met great people. Thank you to you all.

On another note, I wonder what the Starbound Lua API is like nowadays…

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Well, last time I left you I was heading to the USA - to go to court. I did that, there was no major updates to give - it was just a “Oh, things same as they were? Carry on then.” for the most part. Except for the matter of the Home Study. Basically the judge said that if no Home Study was undertaken, then I couldn’t have custody - and that they didn’t think they’d be able to pay for it - but they’d look into it.

Next court date was on the 15 January - I couldn’t be there, however I got an update from the case worker - basically saying that it was much the same as the last one, and that they are still trying to sort things out - and see if they can pay. They also asked if I can pay - which, as it is ~£2,500 - I cannot.

Now I had been in contact with a charity - Re-Unite who usually handle cases where a child had been abducted by a parent to another country. They have been keeping an eye on this case, and after being told that the USA may not pay for the Home Study said there may be charities that will be able to help - they just need to know for certain if the USA cannot pay for it.

Sadly, today, I got confirmation of my fear. I received an email from the case worker, and this is the exact complete email, quoted word for word.

“The agency cannot pay for the home study. I don’t have any other option for you in my country. Sorry.”

Now notwithstanding the way it is worded - which I think is shocking in itself - and I’m not happy with - basically I now need to contact Re-Unite and see if they can help. I’ll update when I get more information.

Sorry it was bad news, but I just wanted to share. I plan to do other things to take my mind off it today.

Thank you for everyone who has continued to support me, and for your help getting me to the states. Fingers crossed it is not over yet - but honestly, I am not too optimistic.

So, last Friday I got diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. For those that don’t know, it is a form of Autism. I wanted to share my experiences on my blog - 1, to show that I am proud, and glad that I have finally been diagnosed - and 2, to raise awareness. I also keep thinking of the kid who asked the modders panel on Minecon - “Do any of you have autism, and if so, how has it helped you?” - and would like to give my (limited) answer to that question.

So, where to start? I guess the best thing to do would be to link to a factual description of what it is. The Wikipedia article is worth a read on this - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome - and worth reading about it in general.

My symptoms are extreme social anxiety (a party sounds fun? Not to me!), and difficulty communicating with people outside of my comfort zone. I also have certain obsessions - with technology related things. One example - Minecraft ;) - but the main example is my constant “need” to be on the internet all the time.

There are more, but they are too numerous to list.

Now, it sounds like it is a negative, right? Well, yes and no. While I am not good at some things, I believe my autism has helped me when it comes to things like coding - or writing. This is purely due to the fact that I can get absorbed in it, and spend probably way too much time than is healthy doing it. And my attention to detail means I notice things that others do not.

And for mitigating the negatives? While it has affected my social development and ability to make friends, that is less prominent (to some extent) in my adult life. I will say that the Internet is a marvellous invention - allows me to speak to people far away, where I don’t have to worry about body language, or any of the small nuances of communication. It is definitely an ice breaker!

Final words? This blog has been more rambling than I expected. I will probably follow it up when I can articulate the thoughts in my head about it better. I will say to anyone fighting for a diagnosis - whether you’re a parent fighting for a child, or an adult fighting for yourself - don’t give up. The diagnosis has given me great piece of mind. I am still myself, but now I know that there is a reason for some unusual aspects of my personality. From speaking to other people with Autism Spectrum Disorders, I know I am not alone in this.

Also do not be afraid - the first step towards acceptance is awareness. I thought for a week before writing this blog - but I hope to be an inspiration to people, to let them know that you CAN be a success, and CAN do things like go to places you’ve never been, talk in front of 100 people, or give an interview to be put on YouTube. Do not give up, and never under estimate yourself. Things may be harder for you in some respects - but they are not impossible.